Wednesday, 30 May 2012

100,000 sales at Amazon UK in two months

I've been watching my sales for the past few days and can now report that I've sold 100,000 since the start of April.

As you'd imagine, I'm rather pleased about this :)

This is all thanks to Love... From Both Sides taking off in a big way and hitting the Kindle Top 10. It lifted all my other books in the rankings - and I've had four of them at one time or another in the top 100 over the past few weeks.

I've also sold a few thousand at Amazon USA - which is great, considering the sense of humour in my books is resolutely British.

Also, Love... From Both Sides has been floating around the top 20 over at the Apple iTunes store for the past couple of months as well, peaking at number 7 thus far. I have no idea how many sales this represents as I publish there via the Smashwords platform, which can only provide sales figures every six weeks or so from Apple.

All in all then, things ain't going too bad for what my fiancee refers to as 'Spalding's Empire'. She does this with a sardonic roll of the eyes and a chuckle ...which is only right and proper.

If you asked me how I've accomplished this, I'd look at you with a perplexed expression on my face and go 'er...' a lot. Then, when I'd finally marshalled my brain into some sort of coherent response I would respond thus ways:

I've always tried to write the funniest books I can. That's been my number one goal - to make you lot laugh until snot comes out of your nose.

I had no idea whether doing this would be popular (after all, being covered in snot and laughing your head off on the 7.15 to Waterloo isn't the best look in the world), but I sallied forth regardless, because writing funny stuff is what I love to do.

Happily (so far) the snotty lunatic on the train look is obviously 'in' for 2012 - as the 100,000 sales on Kindle would seem to indicate.

Other than that, I try to make my books look as professional as possible - with spanky, colourful covers and a decent blurb. I also price them where I think they'll sell while still earning me a decent royalty for my efforts.

The rest has been down to the great Kindle reading public.

I can swing from the rafters shouting about how great my books are until I'm blue in the arse - and it won't have anywhere near the beneficial effect to my sales ranking that a lot of decent reader reviews has.

The publishing industry is going through a lot of changes right now (not interesting changes, mind you. Unless you're a part of the industry all the legal shenanigans and shifts in business practice are duller than a Bank Holiday weekend in Cleethorpes) and the biggest practical upshot of those changes is that YOU - the person who actually buys the books - are being given more power over what sells and what doesn't. Your reviews and word-of-mouth count more now than they ever have.

Please be nice with all that new found power though... if you're not careful you can find yourself on the slippery slope into super villainy, and that won't do anyone any good. Think of the cleaning bills if nothing else.

I have no idea how long my current levels of success will last, but I'm hoping to keep drawing in new fans with the books I have out - and I'll be writing more in the near future to keep those who already like my work happy.

This year I want to get another couple of books out at least - one of which is a rom-com based on my time in the police as a special constable. I also intend to get a third Love... book written to complete the trilogy (already have the idea for it) and then The Cornerstone part 2 beckons. I've been neglecting poor old Max Bloom for Laura and Jamie recently, and if I don't get on with the book soon he'll get stroppy and won't speak to me anymore.

Whatever happens - if I continue with this level of success or not - I can safely say I know who to thank for it.

It's not Amazon (although without their KDP program my books would never have seen the light of day) it's not any of the publishers or agents out there, and it sure as hell isn't my secondary school English teacher Mr Kendall (who once gave me a D for a horror story I wrote when I was thirteen, the utter bastard*).

It's all of you lot... the audience, the punters. 

...or as Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton once put it: 'the great unwashed'**.

Without you all downloading my books, reading them, enjoying them, and telling other people about them I'd be precisely nowhere***.

So thanks very much from the bottom of my heart.

Here's to the next 100,000 (if I'm very, very lucky and eat all my greens).



*Though he did also let me off detention for wearing trainers once, so we'll call it a tie.

** Yes of course I looked this up on Google. I am, after all, very definitely one of 'the great unwashed' myself.

*** Or the A16 just outside Cleethorpes, as the locals know it.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Two of my books are in the Kindle UK top 10!


The Amazon marketing department will be getting a Christmas card...

...because today they've punted round an email to (presumably) everyone who bought Love... From Both Sides, letting them know the sequel is now available:

I say I'll be buying the marketing department a Christmas card, but chances are it was all done by a computer somewhere. Still, on the off chance a human being was involved, I'd like to say thanks very much in case they read this.

If no humans were involved then I'd like to say thanks to the computer in binary code:


(translation: Ta.)

Sunday, 20 May 2012

All my books now in paperback at Amazon UK!

So, sod's law being what it is, I go and get all my paperbacks sorted out at Lulu because Createspace don't distribute to Amazon UK... then Createspace announce they're now distributing directly to Amazon UK.


Nevertheless, thanks to the opening of a new sales channel, I've gone back to Createspace like a needy ex-boyfriend - who tried to move on with a new girl, but just couldn't stop thinking about the fishnet stockings and blowjob technique of the last one and has gone back for more.

The upshot of all this blather is that you can now buy all of my books at Amazon UK.

For cheap., dirt cheap.

Yes, you can buy Fifty Shades Of Unconvincing Sadomasochism with your hard earned pennies as well - and spend a few hours wondering (like I did) how the hell it got published; or... you can buy my books instead and laugh your arse off intentionally. The choice is yours.

...and just think, every time somebody moans that they can't buy that cracking comedy book by Nick Spalding because they don't own a Kindle, you can now make them look like utter poltroons* by telling them they are stone cold wrong.

All the links are up at Amazon, but just for the sake of convenience, here they are as well:

Love... From Both Sides

Love... And Sleepless Nights

Life... With No Breaks

Life... On A High

The Cornerstone

Spalding's Scary Shorts

Buy yourself a copy of each one. Buy your friends a copy. Buy your dog a copy. If nothing else, it'll give him something to chew on other than your shoes.

*I have no idea where I dredged the word poltroon up from. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but it sounded good in my head.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

The humour chart is mine, you may have it when I'm done.

Sorry, I couldn't resist letting my ego out of the box for a second there with the title of this post.

The reason for this uncharacteristic hubris?


Yep, Spalding now sits in the top three positions in the Amazon UK Kindle Humour chart.

Woo... and indeed... hoo.

I don't know if it means anything in the grand scheme of things, but it's certainly a big deal for me. I can't think of any other self-published author in the UK (or even elsewhere) who's managed to do this, and am therefore Captain Proudpants and no mistake.


In slightly more commonplace Spalding news, I managed to nearly expose myself to two passing women this morning.

Our apartment here in Oz is on the ground floor. You'd think that having been here for several weeks I would have learned not to throw open the curtains in only my boxer shorts.

You'd think, but you'd be wrong.

Luckily I was wearing my bestest pair of boxers, so there was no inadvertent genitalia on display. I'm leaving the country soon, so would rather avoid being deported thanks to a mild case of indecent exposure.

You see? Even riding high in the Amazon charts I can still make an arse out of myself, no problem at all.

Friday, 18 May 2012

I appear to be in a Hunger Games sandwich...

Checked the old sales rankings earlier and discovered this:

Any day you split the biggest selling trilogy of the year is a good one :) 

Speaking of The Hunger Games, I read something a few weeks ago that tickled me. 

If you do a 'Bennifer' or 'Brangelina' on the two lead characters the way the press love to do whenever two celebrities start knocking boots, you either get:

Kata... which isn't all that funny.

or Peeniss, which most certainly is.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Love... And Sleepless Nights OUT NOW!

Thanks to Amazon's upload system working faster than usual, I'm pleased to say Love... And Sleepless Nights is out now for the Kindle.

Buy your copy here:

Love... And Sleepless Nights at Amazon UK

Love... And Sleepless Nights at Amazon USA

Apple iTunes store and other retailers will have the book in the next couple of weeks.

Hope you all enjoy it!


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Love... And Sleepless Nights on sale SATURDAY!

I'm delighted to announce that my new book Love... And Sleepless Nights will be on sale for the Amazon Kindle this Saturday, May 12th!

The book is the sequel to my best selling romantic comedy Love... From Both Sides, and continues Jamie and Laura's story with the birth of their first child. It's full of the same kind of warts-and-all comedy that's been so popular in the first book. If you enjoyed reading how Jamie and Laura negotiated their way through the perilous world of dating, you'll love how they handle the even more difficult job of having a baby...

I'll post the links to the Amazon page on Saturday once it's been uploaded to the store.

The book will also be available at the Apple iTunes store within the next couple of weeks (Apple are slower than Amazon!). I will post links once the book has been uploaded there as well.

Thanks very much and I'll post again Saturday with all the details.


Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…

Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who – thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception – find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine.
They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles – such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.
Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying mid-wife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel about what happens next.
Falling in love with another person is easy, creating a brand new one with them is where things get complicated.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Love... From Both Sides in top 25 at iTunes

Sorry folks, I know my recent posts have mostly been about my book's rankings, but I'm proud of how they're doing and want to let people know about it!

I've been so pre-occupied with how Love... From Both Sides is doing at Amazon, that I forgot it's also on sale at other retailers via the Smashwords platform.

You can imagine how surprised I was when I took a look at the UK iTunes book store for the first time in months and discovered this:

Not too shabby, eh? 25 at the iTunes store is great!

I have no idea how many actual sales per day this is as they don't provide real time reports on copies sold like Amazon. I'll have no idea until the reports come in, which could be in a couple of months.

Nevertheless, it was an exciting thing to see when I woke up this morning and just goes to show that once a book starts to get success at one outlet, it can lead to further success at other retailers.

I'm going to have to keep an eye on the iTunes store in the future!

...oh, and here's an update on the status of Love... And Sleepless Nights: The proofing and editing are going far quicker than I thought, so it might only be a maximum of a couple of weeks before it's out to buy (at Amazon anyway, the process of getting it up on iTunes may take a couple of extra weeks).

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Three books in the Amazon UK Kindle Top 100

Well, it may end up being ever so brief, but I just checked Life... On A High's ranking and it's sat at 100:

This makes it three of my books currently in the Amazon UK Kindle Top 100, which is fantastic. It's a first for me, and I can't think of any other self-published indie authors who have achieved this in the UK (though by all means feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

The result is down to a combination of things. The success of Love... From Both Sides (now a month in the Top10) is the main reason of course, but I also think changes to the covers of both Life... books may have helped as well. They're a lot more colourful and appealing now, which just goes to show how important a good cover can be to a book's success. 

With the release of Love... And Sleepless Nights looming do I dare dream that four of my books could break into the hallowed top 100 territory? It would certainly put a big smile on my face!

Thanks to everyone who's buying my books and keeping them high in the rankings. I promise to keep writing and cranking them out for as long as I can (and as long as you want them of course).

Love... And Sleepless Nights is coming together well, so I'm hoping to get it up around the middle of May now. Watch this space for more details.